Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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