you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
