Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i think i have two assholes
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
