I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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