I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
