Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
