I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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