Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
