No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
