can u get pink eye on your cock?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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