My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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