He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
