What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
