non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
