I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
