she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
