At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
