Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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