What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
