Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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