and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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