There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
