I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
