you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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