She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
And then my night got REAL pukey
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
