I looked at my own cervix.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
