his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
