So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So squirting runs in the family.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
