he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just pee around me
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
