mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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