Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
