I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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