I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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