I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
