the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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