Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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