In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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