Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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