I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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