I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
