I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
