So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We're using joints as your birthday candles
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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