i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
