I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
