My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
