I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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