the condom got lost in my hair
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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