Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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