well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
