Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
