I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
