Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
