I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
