I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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