i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
