All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
